{"id":637,"date":"2017-03-05T03:38:17","date_gmt":"2017-03-04T22:38:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/?p=637"},"modified":"2021-12-29T01:41:51","modified_gmt":"2021-12-28T20:41:51","slug":"in-defense-of-step-moms-and-dads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/?p=637","title":{"rendered":"In Defense of Step-moms (and dads)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Remember Cinderella\u2019s step-mom? \u201cLight the fire! Fix the breakfast! Wash the dishes! Do the mopping! And the cleaning and the shopping<\/em>!\u201d*<\/sup> She was not the kind of step-parent a child would ever want. She was the original \u201cstep-monster\u201d.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I’m a step-parent, but to grown adult children with children of their own. But whether the children are very small or are adults on their own, there is no tried-and-true manual for step-parents to \u201cfit\u201d into the new family dynamic. After all, each family is unique with their own way of doing things, patterns of communication, and traditions. And, maybe the step-parent is not entirely welcome, especially if the \u201coriginal parent\u201d feels replaced, angry, jealous, and\/or threatened and communicates this directly or indirectly to the child(ren).<\/span><\/p>\n

Nothing could be worse for your children. Several years ago, a woman I know, I’ll call her “Linda”, met her former spouse’s new fianc\u00e9. \u00a0Sadly, Linda took most every opportunity to criticize and be nasty to the fianc\u00e9.\u00a0 She would not listen to reason nor dignity.\u00a0 Her child marinated daily in Linda’s hatred for the fianc\u00e9.<\/span><\/p>\n

The fianc\u00e9 appeared to love the child. She attended the child’s events at school, church and gymnastics.\u00a0 She sent her home with treats, bought her clothes, and otherwise demonstrated her attachment to the child. \u00a0The child wanted to love the step-mom but Linda sabotaged it in every possible way.\u00a0 Linda mocked the clothes as being tasteless, ill-fitting, and or “cheap”.\u00a0 She threw away the treats in front of the child.\u00a0 She refused to speak to the fianc\u00e9 at school and other events.\u00a0 The child suffered from all the stress and became very anxious whenever the fianc\u00e9 was mentioned or was around Linda.\u00a0 The child was not free to form an emotional bond with the fianc\u00e9 and that relationship suffered.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The child\u2019s father was no \u201cwinner\u201d.\u00a0 Having been previously granted only supervised visitation, his ability to properly care for the child was in question. Linda utterly failed to grasp that the fianc\u00e9 could ensure the child’s\u00a0 well-being during the father’s parenting time. We encouraged Linda to make an ally of the fianc\u00e9 and at least try to co-parent with her but Linda refused. The fianc\u00e9 became the step-mom.\u00a0 Eventually, the new step-mom gave up trying to be friendly to Linda and joined her new husband in the ongoing war between the parents.\u00a0 The child suffered and exhibited signs of emotional distress and anxiety as a result of the adult’s antics.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t be “Linda”. Love your child more than you hate their step-parent.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, what do you do when the step-mom \/ step-dad appears? To be direct, you do not have a right to prevent your child\u2019s other parent from dating or remarrying. They have all the same rights as you do to live a full life – and that includes dating and or remarrying.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, it is time for a little introspection.<\/span><\/p>\n

First, do you welcome a step-parent in your child\u2019s life? If not, why not? Be specific. Write it down. Odds are if you are unable to lay out the \u201cwhy\u201d on paper, it may be more of an emotional reason than a rational one. Note, it is not enough that you \u201cjust don\u2019t want someone else in the child\u2019s life\u201d. If that is the only thing you can come up with, take a breath and put on your adult pants. Life moves forward whether we want it to or not. Adulting is not always easy, but it is what we are called to do once we have children.\u00a0 Put your children first before your own jealousy or insecurity.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Second, take inventory of your emotions. Are you angry? Jealous? Threatened? And, if so, why? Are these emotions something you want your child to marinate in? Even if you don\u2019t openly verbalize your unhappiness about the step-parent, your child will still pick up on the non-verbal cues. \u00a0Keep adult emotions and feelings away from the kids. They can\u2019t fix it and the are very sensitive to the emotional well-being of the hand that rocks the cradle. In short, keep the kids out of it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Third, is it the thought of your calling someone else \u201cMommy\u201d or \u201cDaddy\u201d? \u00a0Please know, if you seek to maintain your place in that child\u2019s life and take care of your obligations as a parent financially and emotionally, there is no reason why you won\u2019t remain \u201cMommy\/Daddy\u201d. Yes, seeing your child get attached to a new dating partner can be hard (Divorced and Dating with Kids is the subject of another article). But, by creating and maintaining a respectful relationship with the new step-parent, you will know someone is ensuring your child\u2019s well-being when you are not there, and that peace of mind is priceless.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Fourth, do you believe the step-parent is in any way a threat to the safety and well-being of your child? Does he or she have a history of drug use? Violence? High risk activities? Child molestation? Alcoholism? Criminal activity? \u00a0If you have any of these concerns, then stop reading and call your attorney right now. \u00a0The \u201cbest interests\u201d of the child is the gold standard in parenting time allocation. If that person represents a danger to the child, you are not over reacting.\u00a0 You need to speak up to protect your child from someone who represents a potential danger to them.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Our hope is that your co-parent will be respectful and reasonable in how they handle introducing the new spouse into the family. Remember, it is not always the easiest task for the parents, step-parent or the child. Show each other some grace and give it some time. Take it slow. Open a dialogue with your co-parent about any concerns you have and collaborate \u2013 don\u2019t try to dictate. Who they date or marry is not your decision. Yes, your child is involved but again, your ex has every right to move on in his or her life – just as you do. Collaboration with your co-parent will ease the transition and promote the well-being of your child.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

Life evolves. You will want the same considerations when you fall in love again and or remarry. The shoe, or the glass slipper, will be on the other foot if it hasn’t been already, and you could be the step-monster, I mean step-mom.<\/span><\/p>\n

Good luck!<\/span><\/p>\n

*from Cinderella\u2019s, “The Work Song” <\/sup><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Remember Cinderella\u2019s step-mom? \u201cLight the fire! Fix the breakfast! Wash the dishes! Do the mopping! And the cleaning and the shopping!\u201d* She was not the kind of step-parent a child would ever want. She was the original \u201cstep-monster\u201d. I’m a … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,6,9],"tags":[63,66,11,60,10,187,13,61,189,188,40,200,199,198],"class_list":["post-637","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-court","category-family-law","category-litigation","tag-davidson-county-divorce-attorney","tag-davidson-county-tennessee-divorce","tag-divorce-attorney","tag-divorce-attorney-nashville","tag-divorce-lawyer","tag-divorce-lawyer-nashville","tag-divorce-nashville","tag-family-law-attorney","tag-franklin-tn-divorce-attorney","tag-franklin-tn-divorce-lawyer","tag-nashville-divorce-attorney","tag-step-dad","tag-step-mom","tag-step-parent"],"aioseo_notices":[],"post_meta_fields":{"_edit_last":["1"],"_edit_lock":["1640732469:1"],"afap_auto_post":["no"],"_aioseop_keywords":["step mom step-mom step-dad step dad T. Leigh Hearn-RushtonT. Leigh Hearn RushtonFamily Law"],"_aioseop_description":["How to handle a new step- parent relationship"],"_aioseop_title":["In Defense of Step Moms (Step Dads) Step parents"],"_aioseo_title":["In Defense of Step Moms (Step Dads) Step parents | #site_title"],"_aioseo_description":["How to handle a new step- parent relationship"],"_aioseo_keywords":["step mom step-mom step-dad step dad T. Leigh Hearn-RushtonT. Leigh Hearn RushtonFamily Law"],"_aioseo_og_title":[null],"_aioseo_og_description":[null],"_aioseo_og_article_section":[""],"_aioseo_og_article_tags":[""],"_aioseo_twitter_title":[null],"_aioseo_twitter_description":[null]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=637"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1157,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/637\/revisions\/1157"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=637"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=637"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rushtonlawnashville.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=637"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}