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In Defense of Step-moms (and dads)

Remember Cinderella’s step-mom? “Light the fire! Fix the breakfast! Wash the dishes! Do the mopping! And the cleaning and the shopping!”* She was definitely not the kind of step-parent a child would ever want or need. She was the original “step-monster”.

I’m a step-parent, but to grown adult children with children of their own. But whether the children are very small or adults on their own, there is no tried-and-true manual for step-parents to “fit” into the new family dynamic. After all, each family is unique with their own way of doing things, patterns of communication, and traditions. And, maybe the step-parent is not entirely welcome, especially if the “original parent” feels replaced, angry, jealous, and/or threatened and communicates this directly or indirectly to the children.

Nothing could be worse for your children. Several years ago, a woman I know (we will call her Linda) met the fiancé of her former spouse.  Sadly, Linda took most every opportunity to criticize the woman.  She would not listen to reason nor dignity. Her child marinated daily in her mother’s hatred for the fiancé.

The fiancé appeared to love the child. She attended the child’s events at school, church and gymnastics.  She sent her home with treats, and otherwise demonstrated her attachment to her.  The child wanted to love the step-mom but Linda sabotaged it in every possible way.

The child’s father was no “winner”. Having been previously granted only supervised visitation, his ability to properly care for the child was in question. Linda failed to grasp that the fiancé could ensure her well-being during the father’s parenting time. We encouraged Linda to make an ally of the fiancé but she refused. The fiancé became the step-mom. She gave up trying to be friendly and joined her new husband in the ongoing war between the parents.  The child suffered and exhibited signs of emotional distress as a result of her parent’s antics.

Don’t be “Linda”. Love your child more than you hate their step-parent.

So, what do you do when the step-mom / step-dad appears? To be direct, you do not have a right to prevent your child’s other parent from dating or remarrying. They have all the same rights as you do to live a full life.

So, it is time for a little introspection.

First, do you welcome a step-parent in your child’s life? If not, why not? Be specific. Write it down. Odds are if you are unable to lay out the “why” on paper, it may be more of an emotional reason than a rational one. Note, it is not enough that you “just don’t want someone else in the child’s life”. If that is the only thing you can come up with, take a breath and put on your adult shoes. Life moves forward whether we want it to or not. Adulting is not always easy, but it is what we are called to do once we have children.

Second, take inventory of your emotions. Are you angry? Jealous? Threatened? And, if so, why? Are these emotions something you want your child to marinate in? Even if you don’t openly verbalize your unhappiness about the step-parent, your child will still pick up on the non-verbal cues.  Keep adult emotions and feelings away from the kids. They can’t fix it and the are very sensitive to the emotional well-being of the hand that rocks the cradle. In short, keep the kids out of it.

Third, is it the thought of your calling someone else “Mommy” or “Daddy”?  Please know, if you seek to maintain your place in that child’s life and take care of your obligations as a parent financially and emotionally, there is no reason why you won’t remain “Mommy/Daddy”. Yes, seeing your child get attached to a new dating partner can be hard (Divorced and Dating with Kids is the subject of another article). But, by creating and maintaining a respectful relationship with the new step-parent, you will know someone is ensuring your child’s well-being when you are not there, and that peace of mind is priceless.

Fourth, do you believe the step-parent is in any way a threat to the safety and well-being of your child? Does he or she have a history of drug use? Violence? High risk activities? Child molestation? Alcoholism? Criminal activity?  If you have any of these concerns, then stop reading and call your attorney right now.  The “best interests” of the child is the gold standard in parenting time allocation. 

Our hope is that your co-parent will be respectful and reasonable in how they handle introducing the new spouse into the family. Remember, it is not always the easiest task for the parents, step-parent or the child. Show each other some grace and give it some time. Take it slow. Open a dialogue with your co-parent about any concerns you have and collaborate – don’t try to dictate. This is not your decision. Yes, your child is involved but again, your ex has every right to move on in his or her life. Collaboration with your co-spouse will ease the transition.

Life evolves. You will want the same considerations when you fall in love again and or remarry. The shoe (glass slipper) will be on the other foot and you could be the step-monster, I mean step-mom.

Good luck!

 

*from Cinderella’s, “The Work Song” Continue reading

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Don’t take a Selfie with the Judge

cell phone banYesterday, I visited the Wilson County Justice Center in Lebanon, Tennessee on behalf of a client.  Upon approach, we noticed four different signs announcing cell phones or other recording devices were banned from the building.  Note, it was not just the courtroom, but the entire building.  As we approached security, the guards politely asked if we had cell phones on us.  Fortunately, they were in the car but the computer in my bag raised an eyebrow.  I flashed my all-access-I’m-an-attorney bar card and all was well (attorneys, employees and a few others are exempted from the ban).

Suspecting a good story behind the heavily advertised ban, I asked the ladies in the clerk’s office what prompted the zero tolerance policy.  Apparently, in at least one instance, spectators in the courtroom texted witnesses waiting outside what the witness on the stand said.  On top of that, judges did not like spectators taking pictures of the proceedings or of the judge personally.  I imagined a witness snapping a quick selfie with the judge in the background and Aunt Lelia snapping a picture of cousin Jack’s latest arraignment to share instantly with Mama and ’em or possibly on facebook.

A judge may make rules for her or his court.  Failure to follow those rules could result in contempt of court which could carry a fine or jail time.  See our article on pajamas in the courtroom or other cell phone-related contempt of court rules for Circuit Court in Davidson County, Nashville, Tennessee.  To be safe, you should always check local rules for your court to ensure you follow the rules perfectly.  A quick internet search on your phone could help you keep that phone.

According to this article, a violator is subject to a 10-day jail sentence and/or forfeiture of their cell phone.  And, as the cell phone is also a status symbol, some of them can be pretty costly (some iPhones retail in excess of $800+).  That is a pretty heavy investment to simply be locked away in a vault.

The moral of this story is simply don’t bring your cell phone or recording device into the Wilson County Justice Center in Lebanon, Tennessee.  The justice there is swift, the folks there are friendly but they take the cell phone ban seriously… and so should you.

-TLHR

 

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Social Media, Divorce and Inappropriate Marital Conduct

Divorce. It can be one of the emotionally painful experiences in one’s life. The urge to show your soon-to-be former spouse that you are “moving on” with a new love and out on the town instead of waiting at home for her or him to return can be quite powerful. Almost irresistible. Resist!

divorce cake FacebookAs an attorney, I guide my clients not to publish their “moving on” moments on facebook or other social media and just keep it off social media period.  Maybe your spouse may feel jealous of your latest loves after seeing you online going out night after night in downtown Nashville. Maybe not. But, your shared moments are well-documenting what the court would likely see as Inappropriate Marital Conduct – which is grounds for divorce in Tennessee. In other words, you are building a substantial case against yourself, selfie by selfie, all without your spouse or his/her attorney lifting a finger, other than saving the pictures to be used at trial.  And, even if you delete content in a dramatic effort to clean up your social media history, it is still discoverable.  Even deleted, once posted, it never actually goes away.  People have long memories.  The internet’s is longer, as in forever.

To read more on the impact of social media on divorce please click here.

Divorce is difficult enough without making it harder on yourself. Keep your social media clean and consistent with your position in the divorce. In the end, your attorney will be glad you did, and so will you.

T. Leigh Hearn-Rushton

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